Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
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