Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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