We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
