i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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