So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My apartment stinks of burning failure
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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