the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
