Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
