I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
