just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
