Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
