there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
