my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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