Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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