Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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