i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
