I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
