mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
