Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
