Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
