i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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