Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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