fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
