Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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