I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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