She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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