how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
