Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
