jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
