How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
