Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
