Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
