the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
