Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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