why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
