You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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