This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I could make wine with my vomit
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
