Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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