Sorry, I don't speak sober.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
