I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
