I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
how drunk are you?
Several
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize