I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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