I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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