It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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