Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
The uberlube is also flammable
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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