i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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