i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
