She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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