Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
