my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Randomize
