Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Even the bartender felt bad for me
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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