Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
