Where is the hickey?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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