This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
